On Being Cool

I have funny ways of putting people in the “cool” category. First, let’s clear up my definition of “cool”. These people aren’t necessarily cool enough to be my friends; rather the opposite. These are people that are way too cool to be my friends. They’ve out-cooled me, and I despise them for it. If one or more of these things apply to you, you’re cool:

You can eat really spicy foods.

You know exactly how to greet someone you’ve only met once or twice, whether it’s a handshake, a hug, or an old-fashioned tip of the hat.

You remember the punchline to every joke you tell.

You speak at least two languages (one or more being non-native).

You play an instrument (better than I “play” the cello).

You beat me at Pentago.

When I ask you how you learned something cool, you say “I just went online, did some research, and a month later I’m an acclaimed cheese maker.”

The Twin Paradox makes sense to you.

If you’re cool we can still be friends, but I may be secretly plotting your demise, just so we’re clear.

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